Frustration levels rising....

Someone once told me that I was cynical, in fact I was the most cynical person that they knew.  I think I am more of a realist.  I take life, discount it and everyone in it, and evaluate the results, believing little to nothing of what is being presented.  Anyone who isn't cynical to some degree is ignorantly waiting for bad things to happen to them.  But enough about that.

Last night I went out with some friends for dinner.  I don't know why I agreed to go, and looking back I should have told them to kiss my ass, because I should know better.  These friends are loosely termed as friends; the kind I will see when it is convenient, but I would never go out of my way to see them.  They are usually expensive, where every meal is over $100 a head, and every event costs in the hundreds of dollars.  They clearly live beyond their means and are inconsiderate about what others want. What bothered me so much about last night wasn't that it is restaurant week (which, by the way is the worst way to visit a nice restaurant, in my opinion), but it was the whole deal.  After the intermezzo I found myself sitting listening to the conversation at the table.  I don't know what it was about specifically, but it was no different than any other conversation that these apes could contrive. It hit me like a ton of bricks... "Why am I sitting at a table, out late in NYC (9:30 or so) in a suit, hot as Satan's ball-sack, paying $100 for a meal that isn't that good, listening to the opinions and thoughts of people that wouldn't know how to use Silly Putty?"  At that moment, all flavor left my mouth, and everything tasted flat.  I wanted to reach across the table and choke the living shit out of each and every one of them.  I could feel the rage boiling up inside of me.  My blood became fire and my nerves as cold as ice.

I contemplated getting up at that moment and walking out.  Like in American Psycho, I could see myself taking my steak knife (still with wild boar and rabbit sausage on the blade) slitting the throats and stabbing everyone I was sitting with.  Later I was so angry with myself for sitting quietly through the rest of the dinner privately hating all of them vehemently.  They look at me and talk to me as if I was just like them, and that makes me feel like an average chump. Needless to say that I won't be seeing them again, under any circumstances, except maybe their funerals, if I can be bothered.  

It is true, it never changes...

It helps to believe.  I tell myself that, because it helps to believe that.  Self-describing redundancy is exactly the issue at hand here.  I was out the other night with the crowd from the old job.  If I haven't mentioned it yet, the old job was a bunch of monkeys in a room lording over the souls of the damned to do their evil bidding at the cost of our own morality.  That being stated, here is the breakdown of how that place works...

First, you start working there, and you believe that it is a good place.  Everyone is smiling and having fun.  Whistle while you work is the motto.  Then it starts to be an uphill grind.  There are political battles at every turn, and the departmental infighting is terrible.  Through it all you do the job, believing in the cause.  You still whistle as an example to others, so that you might be promoted one day to master monkey whistler.  After some time though, you don't believe in the cause.  You hurt from the constant pain of knives in your back, and you do the work in order to keep the organization afloat, and to keep your job.  You whistle to distract yourself from the truth and the pain.  Then, in a moment of tequila induced clarity, you realize the problem isn't the business, but it is the master monkeys.  

I left because I knew that I couldn't change the system, and it had changed me far too much.  After meeting with the condemned souls still there, I realized that now all of the master monkeys are gone, and there are no new monkeys, and yet, EVERYTHING is exactly the same.  The wheel is too big and complex to ever change without some type of IT plague that would take out every last employee in one clean swipe.  I am beginning to doubt that even that would do it.

I believe because it helps.  I used to believe that change was possible in even the worst systems.  I still believe, but only in the fact that some systems are corrupt by nature and that the universal laws of entropy will always win.  

Getting ready

It is odd to think about how much I am trying to be "prepared" for the program at Pace.  When going to school online, it is fairly easy.  Supplies include a laptop, an Internet connection, and a comfortable place to sit.  Now I am worried about having a reliable bag for my laptop so I just bought a great bag at "Village Tannery" on Bleeker St. in Greenwich village.  It was hugely expensive, but the reviews of that place phenomenal.  They have been there for somewhere over 20 years, and everyone who bought a bag from them is 100% satisfied.  One review is a woman's blog who bought a bag, and travelled with it for 11 years.  After that time, it was looking a little rough, so she brought it back and they more or less rebuilt the bag for free.  The bag is 100% handcrafted leather that will withstand about any amount of abuse I could dish out.  

On other news, I have recently discovered why everyone says "guitar hero" and "rock band" are so much fun.  I was at a friends house over the weekend, (drinking of course) and they were playing "Rock Band".  After a few minutes and drinks, I joined in.  The hilarity ensued for the next 4 hours, with all of us having the greatest time.  If you haven't played it, even if you don't like video games, it is really a lot of fun.