Frustration levels rising....

Someone once told me that I was cynical, in fact I was the most cynical person that they knew.  I think I am more of a realist.  I take life, discount it and everyone in it, and evaluate the results, believing little to nothing of what is being presented.  Anyone who isn't cynical to some degree is ignorantly waiting for bad things to happen to them.  But enough about that.

Last night I went out with some friends for dinner.  I don't know why I agreed to go, and looking back I should have told them to kiss my ass, because I should know better.  These friends are loosely termed as friends; the kind I will see when it is convenient, but I would never go out of my way to see them.  They are usually expensive, where every meal is over $100 a head, and every event costs in the hundreds of dollars.  They clearly live beyond their means and are inconsiderate about what others want. What bothered me so much about last night wasn't that it is restaurant week (which, by the way is the worst way to visit a nice restaurant, in my opinion), but it was the whole deal.  After the intermezzo I found myself sitting listening to the conversation at the table.  I don't know what it was about specifically, but it was no different than any other conversation that these apes could contrive. It hit me like a ton of bricks... "Why am I sitting at a table, out late in NYC (9:30 or so) in a suit, hot as Satan's ball-sack, paying $100 for a meal that isn't that good, listening to the opinions and thoughts of people that wouldn't know how to use Silly Putty?"  At that moment, all flavor left my mouth, and everything tasted flat.  I wanted to reach across the table and choke the living shit out of each and every one of them.  I could feel the rage boiling up inside of me.  My blood became fire and my nerves as cold as ice.

I contemplated getting up at that moment and walking out.  Like in American Psycho, I could see myself taking my steak knife (still with wild boar and rabbit sausage on the blade) slitting the throats and stabbing everyone I was sitting with.  Later I was so angry with myself for sitting quietly through the rest of the dinner privately hating all of them vehemently.  They look at me and talk to me as if I was just like them, and that makes me feel like an average chump. Needless to say that I won't be seeing them again, under any circumstances, except maybe their funerals, if I can be bothered.  

It is true, it never changes...

It helps to believe.  I tell myself that, because it helps to believe that.  Self-describing redundancy is exactly the issue at hand here.  I was out the other night with the crowd from the old job.  If I haven't mentioned it yet, the old job was a bunch of monkeys in a room lording over the souls of the damned to do their evil bidding at the cost of our own morality.  That being stated, here is the breakdown of how that place works...

First, you start working there, and you believe that it is a good place.  Everyone is smiling and having fun.  Whistle while you work is the motto.  Then it starts to be an uphill grind.  There are political battles at every turn, and the departmental infighting is terrible.  Through it all you do the job, believing in the cause.  You still whistle as an example to others, so that you might be promoted one day to master monkey whistler.  After some time though, you don't believe in the cause.  You hurt from the constant pain of knives in your back, and you do the work in order to keep the organization afloat, and to keep your job.  You whistle to distract yourself from the truth and the pain.  Then, in a moment of tequila induced clarity, you realize the problem isn't the business, but it is the master monkeys.  

I left because I knew that I couldn't change the system, and it had changed me far too much.  After meeting with the condemned souls still there, I realized that now all of the master monkeys are gone, and there are no new monkeys, and yet, EVERYTHING is exactly the same.  The wheel is too big and complex to ever change without some type of IT plague that would take out every last employee in one clean swipe.  I am beginning to doubt that even that would do it.

I believe because it helps.  I used to believe that change was possible in even the worst systems.  I still believe, but only in the fact that some systems are corrupt by nature and that the universal laws of entropy will always win.  

Getting ready

It is odd to think about how much I am trying to be "prepared" for the program at Pace.  When going to school online, it is fairly easy.  Supplies include a laptop, an Internet connection, and a comfortable place to sit.  Now I am worried about having a reliable bag for my laptop so I just bought a great bag at "Village Tannery" on Bleeker St. in Greenwich village.  It was hugely expensive, but the reviews of that place phenomenal.  They have been there for somewhere over 20 years, and everyone who bought a bag from them is 100% satisfied.  One review is a woman's blog who bought a bag, and travelled with it for 11 years.  After that time, it was looking a little rough, so she brought it back and they more or less rebuilt the bag for free.  The bag is 100% handcrafted leather that will withstand about any amount of abuse I could dish out.  

On other news, I have recently discovered why everyone says "guitar hero" and "rock band" are so much fun.  I was at a friends house over the weekend, (drinking of course) and they were playing "Rock Band".  After a few minutes and drinks, I joined in.  The hilarity ensued for the next 4 hours, with all of us having the greatest time.  If you haven't played it, even if you don't like video games, it is really a lot of fun.  

Allergies suck

I remember when I was younger, I would spend more than 90% of the time outside.  If I wasn't in school or sleeping, I was outside.  I used to camp a lot, so even sleeping was an outdoor activity.  In the past few years though, I have suddenly become wildly allergic to the outdoors.  I sneeze, sniffle, cough and tear every time I mow the lawn or spend more than 5 hours in the woods.  WTF?!  Is it because I have since spent 8 years in the deep south, only to return as an office worker who has a weakened immunity to allergens?  

This past weekend we went up to the winery we frequent and know the owners in Warwick, NY.  After about 6 hours of hanging out in the sun, my eyes had the all-too-familiar sensation of an allergy attack.  Within a few short minutes, they were burning and I could barely see.  I did the usual stuff: splashed water on my face, in my eyes, dunked my head underwater, etc.  By that night BOTH of my eyes were red and puffy.  (Oh, didn't I mention? I have already been taking Zyrtec for almost 3 days at this point).  The next morning, I can barely open my eyes, they are almost completely crusted over, and I look like I have been crying for 18 hours straight.  

So I go to the pharmacy for some eye drops to alleviate the itching that makes me want to scour away my eyeballs with a cheese grater.  I found two bottles, one is ClearEyes, and the other is Visene.  Both of them claim to reduce itching from allergy symptoms but have different active ingredients.  So I wait in line to talk to the pharmacist to get her opinion on which is a better product.  (That is why they are there, isn't it?)  I tell her my tale of woe, and this is the summation of the conversation:

Me: Hello, I have had an allergy attack and now my eyes are itchy.  I want to use eye drops to help the itching stop.  Can you tell me which of these two products are better?

Her: Lets see... They are both basically the same.

Me: Yes, but they have different active ingredients.  One is Tetra-something or other, and the other has Hydrocortiza something.  What is the difference in the active ingredients?

Her: Well, one has glycerin which is also an ingredient used for lubrication.  But they will both help.

***  She is blankly staring at me ***

Me: But if they both do the same thing, why aren't the ingredients the same?

Her: I don't see the difference between them.

I realized that if I don't leave, my head will implode from her lack of pharmaceutical knowledge.  I thought I was being clever, by asking a trained professional on the chemical differences between similar products.  The end result? Stupidity that makes me angry.  Now I am angry AND my eyes still itch.  I know they both would have worked, but the question was "why are they different".  The answer I got was "I don't know why you think they are different".  

That really annoys me.  I expect people who are doing their jobs to, well, DO THEIR JOBS!  If you have a job, and you are even slightly trained, you should know more about it than someone who isn't, right?!?  If I had a nickel for every time this makes me mad....

Sometimes, life gets in the way.

Someone once said to me, you have to plan for the unexpected.  Not necessarily because of things that happen to you, but because "life gets in the way".  I thought this was a true, but odd statement.  I filed it away, to be returned to later.  After pondering it, I find myself using it, not as an excuse, but as a valid reason for the fact that life doesn't always follow schedules.  

In a busy adult life, there are many things that we are involved in, and they aren't all respectful of the schedules we create.  Sometimes, important stuff has to be put to the side to handle life's little emergencies.  Basically, "life gets in the way".  A friend of mine has been trying to schedule time with me for almost 2 weeks now, and every time I look at my calendar, it is filled up.

Another observation is that people aren't always "happy" about success.  Success to most people is a limited idea that can only be described in terms of a lack of misery, or in terms of a familiar feeling of wealth and showmanship.  A friend of mine and I often go out for drinks, and we will causally observe the crowd.  Sometimes, in a bar full of suits, we will pretend that we are like the other people.  We will make up random financial statements like "Er, Oh, How did you do on the market merger of the IPO stock offering?" At which point we will both throw our heads back and mock laugh "yuk yuk yuk".  The point of the anecdote?  I guess it is that happiness should be defined by the limitless possibilities of our existence, by experiencing new things, and having fun doing it.  I am often saddened by the inability for people to experience things outside of their comfort zone, to really let down their guard, and to look at something new as a child might.  This being the case, people find levels of mediocrity in their world, and when something changes for the better, they label it "success", and they are slightly happy about it. It is unfortunate that people don't honestly experience happiness and contentment thought the human experience.

Converting to Mac! F*** Vista!

So far, with every degree, I purchase a laptop.  While that might seem excessive, what I have found is that by the time I am done with a degree, the laptop I purchased is at least 2 years old, and has been worn out like a two dollar whore at a bachelor party.  I end up using the laptop so extensively that given two years of extensive use (at least 2 hours per day of heavy use, and very few days off), it needs to be retired.  It would be OK in the beginning, but I am sure in the middle of some project, it would fail.  It would roll over and die and leave me with none of my data, all of my work lost and I would still need to buy a new one.

So the laptop I am retiring has Vista on it.  For obvious reasons, I hate it.  It was a "Vista compatible" laptop, that had a one way upgrade path.  Toshiba provided the Vista Upgrade CD, which included the drivers, etc.  The original software, drivers, etc for XP were "on the hard drive", so the Vista upgrade completely wiped them out, including the partition they came in on.  To make a long story short, Toshiba can no longer support the installation of XP, and will not provide an XP restore disk, or any of the drivers.  The laptop is now, and forever will be, a Vista piece of shit.

Having had about 9 months of terrible experiences with Vista, I have come to hate it for all that it is.  It is big, slow, has a terrible interface, hard to use, incompatible with everything, and is by far, the worst operating system I have ever used (and that DOES include OS2/Warp).

So my decision was to go with something more "tried and tested".  Since an XP laptop can not be purchased any longer (without sacrifice that is), and since most of my doctoral work will be word processing anyway, I figured I would give a Mac a try.  

I am now writing this on my new Mac book.  It is strange, and the interface is "odd, but easy".  I am sure many of my blog entries to come will revolve around this new machine, but for now... It works.  Everything works.  It works like it should.  It is the fastest machine I have ever used, with the longest battery life (4+ hours, but is closer to 6),  and the best screen.  The built in web cam, mic and easy to use trace pad (has nice intuitive scrolling features and multi-touch) makes this quite an impressive machine.

I may not be a Mac convert yet, but I can definitely see why people are so devoted. Everything is "easier".  I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but so far, it has all of the features of any Windows XP machine I have used, with none of the hassle.  (I use WinXP as a reference, because the only OS that is fair to compare to Vista is Windows Millennium).  

More Success

My interview for admissions to the Pace Doctoral program went well yesterday, and I was informed that I am the newest student to the D.P.S program at Pace University!

I can't believe this is actually happening. When I first mentioned going for my PhD, it was a humorous comment that followed the question of "what will I do when I finish my B.S degree". I remember, right after "Maybe I will go on to get my PhD!" came out of my mouth, I was a bit confused. It was a funny joke, especially to me, but in the back of my mind, I filed away the idea that I really could. There began this struggle for me to strive for it, or to just go about like it would never happen.

Here I am 3 years after I made that comment, enrolled in a doctoral program. It still seems surreal. But I made it this far, and now there is no turning back.

Wish me luck!

Umbrellas or event canopies?

Sometimes it rains. This has been the way things have been for 13 billion years. In recent times, humankind has conquered the terrible rain with an invention called the Umbrella.

The umbrella should be a device used to keep oneself dry. When it rains in Manhattan, everyone sports their umbrellas. If you are not fortunate enough to have an umbrella with you, you can usually survive by ducking under the vast array of other umbrellas that form a faux-canopy over most of the streets of NYC.

I have seen, and had to avoid, the people who have HUGE umbrellas. What are these people thinking? Literally, an umbrella with a 10' diameter is too much for a 105lb person. You could keep you, your entire extended family, and all of their worldly possessions dry under one of these mammoth sized umbrella. I have seen event canopies that were smaller. I was walking behind one the other day (it could have been a person under it, I don't know, but it took up the entire 45th street sidewalk), and the umbrella was forcing everyone off the sidewalk.

HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE! If your rain canopy is too big to fit though a standard doorway, if it has it's own weather system under it... or if you find that when you use it, people like me want to take an exacto knife to it, get a SMALLER umbrella. The kind used to shield HUMANS from the rain, not the kind used to stop rain from hitting the eastern hemisphere!

People with large umbrellas should be impaled.

Spinning, Day 2

Well, here's the report on the day 2 of spinning class.

It was easier. Significantly. The instructor was not as much of a maniac, and in fact, much much nicer. She helped me adjust the bike, and told me the secrets to class. The secret is when she yells "make it harder!" it is only a suggestion. I don't have to. I went as hard as I could manage in the class, sweating profusely, and on the verge of passing out/vomiting. My legs are not nearly as sore today (still having the ability to walk like a human), and I am feeling good.

I find the hardest part of dieting and exercising NOT to be the dieting and exercising, but the socializing. Socializing generally means eating and drinking. Those are the two hardest things to curb. Tonight I am going out with friends to the NINJA restaurant in NY. I know that means I need to spend an extra 45 minutes on the treadmill, because the food will be delicious.

I have not lost much in body weight, but I have lowered by body fat percentage by 3% in a week, and increased my muscle mass. Only 1 week so far, so lots more to report in the future.

My first spinning class

Yesterday I went to my first spinning class at the NYSC. Before I describe how it went, let me detail how much exercise I have done in the past 10 years...

Ok, now that you understand how in shape I am, [for those of you wondering if I left out the part about my past exercise, please note that nothing was entered and infer your own conclusions] I went to the gym at 5:30. I got changed, grabbed a towel and went up stairs to hit some weights before class. I worked out for a bit, and I walked on the treadmill for about 20 minutes. Then I headed down for class...

The people that do spinning classes are crazy. They are self-loathing, masochistic, insane people that have no sense of anything other than how to punish themselves.

I love it.

We warm up, and the instructor gives me the normal positions in a spinning class. I think "Only 3 positions? OK, easy to remember." We spin for a bit, standing, sitting, fast, slow. I am now dripping with sweat like a shaggy dog who just got a bath. I am sure people are worried about me. My face is purple, there are puddles forming below me. I am panting.

Finally, the instructor states to sit upright and stretch out the arms and shoulders. I look at the clock. 5 MINUTES HAVE PASSED!?!?!?! Are you kidding? I look around and no one else has broken a sweat. They are all size 00 girls some of which, this is their second back-to-back class. I am starting to get the dreaded feeling that I will not make it through the class.

With every 2 minutes, the instructor yells "reach down and increase the tension!". I am pretending to turn it. There is no way I can. I am now sweating from every pore in my body, and it stings in my eyes. I hate this class. I hate the instructor and I hate these stupid girls.

I look at the clock again. 15 MINUTES HAVE PASSED. The instructor is promising a 4 minute break coming up, after 3 more hill climbs, each one requiring more tension, more standing, and a lot more effort. Looking forward to the break, I put in the effort.

When I was thinking "break", I was imagining sitting somewhere, like a hammock, on a beach, coconut drink in hand, etc. Seriously, I didn't think it meant less tension and FASTER PEDDALING! What is wrong with these people?!?!

I made it through the class, with more effort that I have ever put in to anything since high school wrestling practice. I fought down the need to vomit in class 3 separate times, and I stumbled out of the room as the instructor was asking if people wanted to stay for an "abdominal workout". I fought down the urge to flip her the bird, but in a strange way, I liked it. I liked killing myself on the bike. They were achieving a WIN in a fictional race, while I was simply concerned with FINISHING.

I will go back. For now, maybe twice a week for spinning class. The rest of the week on the weights and the treadmill. Soon I will attempt the class 3 times a week, until I can achieve the class, and not simply pass it.

A new me (or just another blog entry)

On Tuesday night, I went home with all intentions of going for a ride on my bike. I quickly realized that daylight is my enemy. There is a precious 30 minutes of usable daylight after I get home. This seriously puts a hamper on any ability I have to go for a decent ride. By the time I get home, change, and get in to a ride, I have to turn around and get home before dark. Where I live, the roads are not the most conducive to driver/cyclist appreciation.

So I joined the NYSC. Tonight is my first spinning class. I am fully anticipating lots of pain and sweat, but I am also looking forward to it.

Here are the things I have started to do to lose the winter hibernation weight:

• Stop drinking soda (completely)
• Stop drinking beer (only occassional binge drinking allowed)
• Stop eating junk foods (burgers, chessesteaks, apple pie)
• Drink water (at least 2 liters per day)
• Eat breakfast, a midmorning snack, small lunch, mid afternoon snack, dinner, dessert.
• Take the stairs at work instead of the elevator
• Work out daily
• Train for the 60 mile and 100 mile rides at the end of the summer

Yesterday's Weigh in: 215
Current weigh in: 213

The rain is my fault... sorry.

For those of you who are wondering why it was 40 degrees this morning, cloudy and threatening rain... it is my fault. I claim full responsibility.

This weekend, I did two important things that caused the weather to turn bad. First and foremost, I bought a new bicycle. The bikes I have are older, and in need of serious repair or just trashing... so I opted for trashing. The old road bike is a "Shogun Selectra" from the very early 90's. It was a great bike when it was made. It has seen over 1000 miles, and my last long ride took about the last of the life from it. By the end of the 150 miles I realized I might be walking the parts across the finish line.

The old mountain bike is a Specialized Hard Rock that I bought about 8 years ago. Not knowing what I was doing, I bought it about 2" too big in the frame, which has all of the potential for testicular disaster, and has made me think twice on occasion regarding to fall off or jump off of it. I put about $800 worth of new components in to it, but my days of hard core mountain biking are probably done.

The new bike is a Specialized CrossTrail. This is a bike that is lighter than my mountain bike, has a front fork suspension that I can lock out (for road rides), but is tough enough to handle mild mountain biking trails.

On Saturday my curiosty got the better of me when I took it out for a spin... I pulled back in to the driveway 2 hours and 25 miles later. I really was curious what was just around the next bend. Needless to say, there was no riding for me on Sunday, but I did plan on doing another 10 today... but the purchase of a new bike means rain for a few days, so for that, I apologize.

The second and most consequential reason it is raining? After owning my car for 1 year, I have finally washed it. Yep, washed and vacuumed. Today? RAIN. Figures.

Why don't people get it?

I don't understand something....

I have several friends that have the ability to make decisions that will clearly make them miserable. These are not stupid people... These are intelligent, college educated, tax paying people that draw a pay check every week. For some reason, they continually make active decisions that will inevitably lead to their own dismay.

Am I missing it? It doesn't make sense. I understand doing something because it "feels good", or the short term benefits can be worth the long term costs... but these are major decisions about marriage, relationships and jobs that have very clear immediate consequences.

Am I expected to feel sympathy for people actively try to screw themselves? How can I in good conscience sit across the table from these people and say anything other than "so? what did you expect? to be elected president after a ticker-tape parade?" C'mon! Lets be honest with ourselves, even if we can't be honest with others.

If a situation sucks, change it, or shut the fuck up about it!

Connecting.....

Why is it that it seems like every time I have a good time with someone... be it family, friends, friends of the family, hookers, homeless people, random people on the street, stray dogs, crazy, old, bag ladies, etc, that I have the tendency to say "This was fun, we should do it again!" and somehow, it doesn't happen until the next event and I say it again, as if I don't see the cycle that continues.

It should be a hallmark greeting, or the back of a business card, the standard "hello, this was fun, please schedule this again". Every time, I think, this REALLY was fun though, and I enjoyed this, we should do it more often than once a year or once a few months. I have to assume that the reciprocating sentiment coming from the other side of the conversation is as genuine as the one I express, and yet, it is only at celebrations and tragedies that we really get together with people.

What happened to "We should fill our lives with the love of those around us." We try. We open our house and home to everyone. We invite everyone over, we cook, we throw events, and even then, it seems so difficult to have a steady connection with the people that we say "This was fun.... lets do it again".

One of two possibilities occurs:

1. People really are this busy. No one has the time to get together on a weekend, share some stories, laughs, reminisce about the old days, and to make new memories.
2. Others are not as genuine as I am when I like someone. They say they would like to get together, but they are just being polite, and as soon as I am out of ear shot, "I like you" changes to "Thank God they are gone".

Maybe this is the year. This is the year to make MORE effort to get together with people. This is the year to not have excuses, and to make it happen. Yeah, we are busy, everyone is, but what is the point if we can't enjoy it?

Enough rant for now... But if anyone wants to hang out... ;)

A Personal Statement

So the school I am applying for my PhD requires a million pieces of paper for admisson, as I eluded to in a previous post. Besides the 2 letters of referrence, a Curriculum Vitae, official transcripts and a letter of financial security, they also require a "Personal Statement" essay. According to what I can find on the web, this should be a 2 page essay about "me". But it should create a certain amount intrigue on the school's part.

There are so many things that this personal statement should NOT be about, I can't figure out what the hell to write about. Every time I look at the document, I write some setences about me, that are disconnected from the rest of the theme, save and move on. Too bad they can't take a bulleted list of things I can do.

Yoga is a cult

For all of you thousands of readers who read my blog on a daily basis, chomping at the bit for any little tidbit of new information about my overly exciting life, I was recently talking with a friend of mine who is into the art of yoga.

When she started, it was for health reasons... to gain strength, composure, exercise, etc. Then there was the dieting and eating 'yoga friendly' foods, and the cutting out of meats, dairy and such. At some point this typical behavior turned crazy, and cult like. Now before you start writing to your congressman to have the Internet police raid my house and remove my computer, hear me out...

They revere their yoga instructors as if they were gods. The believe that only through self-torture can they achieve the enlightened ability to contort their bodies in to strange and unnatural poses. They get up at some stupid hour like "sunrise" and all face east (sounding cult-like yet?) and perform some type of yoga ritual to say "hello" to the sun (as if the sun give a shit about it). They are devoted to practice, so much so, that the only time they don't practice is on the new moon.


Let that sink in.



The new moon.

I asked my friend to hang out and go for drinks one night, and the answer was "let me check the lunar schedule". Now I fully understand that there are lots of definitions of cult, and while the hale-bop cult, Waco, and the polygamy cults are more recognized, I think we should intervene with these Yoga nuts before they lock themselves in a room and start contorting each other...

Education, part two

So I have decided on my Ph.D.  I have decided that I absolutely want to do it, and to go after the "brass ring".  I have submitted my application, and the TON of associated paperwork to Pace.  The degree is a Doctor of Professional Studies in Computing (DPS, Computing).  

The interesting thing is that I have been asked "why" I am going for my doctorate degree.  I can't say that I have a good, compelling reason that everyone understands.  In fact, my best reason is "just because", or "because I am not done yet".  I feel like I am on a roll, and don't want to stop, knowing that if I do, I probably will not start again.  At this point, I feel like school is something that I should be doing, and when I have a break between classes or between degrees, I feel kinda empty, like I have all of this idle time that isn't being used.  Most people would take the opportunity to relax, build something, go on vacation, etc.  I read.  I read everything I can get my hands on.  I learn on my own.  I have become OBSESSED with learning everything.  

I am also looking forward to publishing work that is my own, and to be able to advance my ideas in the computing industry.  I constantly feel like I struggle against every organization I work for, pushing for the ideals in computing that make sense.  The use and adoption of technology for the purpose of automation and solution provision, and not because it is easy, fun or "cool and shiny".  Not all problems can be solved with bits and bytes, but complex business processes can be automated so that time is not spent on  the repetitive tasks, the menial tasks, but instead, value is what drives technology adoption, and not Microsoft, or Dell.   l

But enough of that for now.  Wish me luck!

The deadly flu

For years I have resisted the flu vaccine. I always believed that it is not worth the hype to get a vaccine that may or may NOT prevent you from getting a specific strain of the flu. With my luck, I would get the vaccine and get the flu that year. So in order to avoid frustration and disappointment in the system, I never got the shot... and last week I got the flu.

For those of you who have never had the full blown flu, let me be the first to say, it is not a picnic. When my fever was at 103.5, I thought I was going to die. Advil every 4 hours kept it below 102 from that point forward and in a few days the symptoms subsided and I started to feel better. Here is the kicker though:

It has been 2 days since I had the flu, and simple tasks such as stairs wipe me out. The road to recovery is long I assume and not as simple as it was when I was younger.

Skiing - If I knew it was this easy....

Several weeks ago I was invited to Vermont to go skiing with some friends for a week. Upon careful consideration (all 2 seconds of it) I agreed, even though I knew that I hadn't been skiing more than 5 or 6 times in my life, and most of them were days of me repeatedly doing the easiest trails.

Getting on the skis I realized that I knew how to stop (snowplow) and to turn (lean on the opposite foot). The rest of me remained vigilant to be as uncoordinated as possible so that anyone within 10' of me might get a ski pole in the eye, or a ski in their rear.

The folks I went with turned out to be avid skiers, taking on the most challenging runs without a care in the world and because the mountain was fairly empty, (not too much danger to others), I decided to challenge myself and follow along. If I wrote a diary in retrospect, here is what it would look like:

DAY 1
We skied on SugarBush today. These people are crazy. I fell a lot, and am amazed at the idea that nothing is broken after my myriad of cartoon-like falls with skis and poles in all directions and a giant snow ball threated to grow with me in the center and crush the base lodge. At the end of the day I am hot, tired, sore and sweaty. It was fun, but I don't understand how other people do it so easily.

DAY 2
We skied at Stowe today. Stowe it tuns out is much more technically challenging that SugarBush, and the fact that my legs are so sore that they refuse to cooperate makes my task daunting at best. There must be a better way. Then... some advice on how to make it easier by my expert skiing companions. By the end of the day I am relying solely on technique because my muscles are on strike. Mentally I think I get it, but physically I can't do it yet.

DAY 3
Woke up this morning and knew exactly how Pinnochio felt when he became a wooden boy. Nothing works. The crew is going up to Jay Peak near Canada. I bid them farewell, for my best bet is to sit by the fire and rest.

DAY 4
I left my companions to travel South to Killington to meet up with my brother-in-law and some other friends for a birthday. I am still unsure of my skiing technique since it is all in my head but not in practice yet. I get on the mountain and suddenly it feels like I was born with skiis on! I am flying down the intermediate trails and even end up on an advanced black diamond trail. It is not *too* hard. Haven't fallen all day. I'm even being adventurous and going over jumps at high speeds.

DAY 5
A week later I travel up to Jiminy Peak, MA for a day trip of skiing. Conditions are terrible. The entire mountain is iced over. There are high winds and no snow to speak of. Perhaps I should have rented ice skates. Regardless, after a morning of diving down the intermediate trails, I try for the black diamond trail, which is the mountain face. (If you can call Jiminy Peak a mountain). Other than the entire run being a long sheet of ice and my skis being as dull as logs, I did OK.

Next stop? back to Vermont to keep up with the friends who taught me how to ski in the first place!

Losing Weight - a constant task

So it seems that here in my 30's, my metabolism is feeling quite lazy. From my prime youth, like most people where I could eat anything I wanted and never gain a pound, I have in fact gained weight. About 2 years ago, I blew up to the extraordinary weight of 206lbs. I went on the Nutrisystem diet and lost about 25 lbs, ending eventually around 180 lbs. I was moderately happy about my progress and vowed to never gain that kind of weight again.

Now I am at 215lbs, and feel like I am starting all over again. While I know that I can lose the weight (using Nutrisystem again), the real source for my concern is in how quickly I gained back the pounds. In my head I felt that I "could eat anything again" or that "I could always lose the weight just as I did the first time". I went from 4 meals a day to 1 large meal consisting of a cheeseburger, fries, and a milkshake, or Chinese food and enough of it to feed a family of 4 with a dog. The irony is that if you ask me how to lose weight, I will tell you. Drink a lot of water, eat 4 or 5 small meals a day consisting of no more than 250 calories eat. Eat healthy grains such as rye, whole wheat and pumpernickel. Avoid sugary foods, especially as a meal. (Donuts are not breakfast). Most importantly, do something to exercise. It doesn't have to be a new regiment to run 5 miles each morning, or train for a marathon. I should be something simple to start - take the stairs instead of the escalator, get off the subway 1 stop early and walk the distance, or make a habit of doing something you have put off.

But all of this knowledge didn't help me keep the weight off. Why? Because I, like most people, am particularly bad at following the advice I know is best for me. I assumed that if I got back to over 200lbs, I could and would do something about it. While that is true, I should have been setting more realistic goals, such as if I gained 10lbs to do something about it. Maybe not even to lose them, but to stop the weight gain. But it is difficult to combat the onslaught of marketing, psychological mass-media appeal of "make Americans fat" foods, eating out in restaurants (all of which have individual portion sizes that could be cut in quarters and still be more than enough). But difficult is not impossible, and that is my new motto.

So the plan?

• Lose the weight again.
  
• Set smaller goals to maintain the weight.
  
• Be more conscious of my own rules of eating and how different they are from America's view of eating.
  
• Be conscious of my own weight and my metabolism rate.
• Be more active.